Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
