Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
