I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
