Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
