I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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