That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
