God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
