I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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