I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
