I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
