Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
