I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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