I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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