I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
