Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
