yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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