So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
