I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize