my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
