Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
