my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize