Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
