This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize