Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
