mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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