Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
