Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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