And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
