Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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