I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
