i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
