When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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