the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Randomize
