so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
