Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
