fuck your aforementioned shoe
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize