wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
