i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
