Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
