i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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