there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
