i don't like sucking hair
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
