my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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