this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
