He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
