so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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