I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
