Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
