Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
