i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
