That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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