3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
