she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
