She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
