I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
