im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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