White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
