The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
