So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
