I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Help. Why am I so naked?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
